There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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