Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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