I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
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Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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