I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
