if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
