in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
