Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
