I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
