im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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