So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
