so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
