I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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