She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
