I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas