At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
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what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
God has nothing to do with this.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!