New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
