Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He did a backflip because drugs
I think i got beer on your cat.
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