does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
