I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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