I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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