I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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