The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i drank out of a bidet.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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