Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
