Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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