im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
