don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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