i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
