My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
