they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
