Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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