I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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