he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
