I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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