You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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