Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
