his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
