There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
And then he peed in my hair
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