when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
