Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
