Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
