conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
