mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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