i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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