im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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