Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
