he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
