Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
