you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
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I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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