if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
