I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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