So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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