Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
