Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I fill condoms, not promises.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
