It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
thus making me awesome and them whores
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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