his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
