"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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