The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
