Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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