So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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