i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
