After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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