I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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